|Lots and lots of crap men jokes!
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs!
How do you get a man to do situps?
Put the remote control between his toes
What do men consider housecleaning?
Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head
What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A hotdog and a six pack of beer
How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows - we've never seen it done!
How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a) 1 - men will screw just about anything
b) 5 - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will
ask for directions
How can you tell if a man is excited? He's breathing
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
What do men consider foreplay?
Half an hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is happy?
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience
stores and drive-through windows.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
Because they already have boyfriends.
Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
Two ways to cross a river.
What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
What's the difference between hard and dark?
It stays dark all night.
Do you know why it's called sex?
Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhh...ohhh...Ahhhhhhhh...AIEEEEE!!
There are many words you could use to describe men today. You could
say they are charming, strong, caring.... You would be wrong, but you
could say them.
What's the best thing to come out of a penis when you stroke it?
What's one of the worst things about giving a man a blow job?
A woman participating in a survey was asked how she felt about condoms.
She said, "Depends on what's in it for me."
My brother-in-law is in danger of losing his license to practice
medicine. He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's such
He was the best veterinarian in town.
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a
little love, a little affection, a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What is the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do better than this!
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Why do men want to mary virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
I went to the County Fair. They had one of those "Believe it or not?"
shows - a man born with a penis and a brain.
What do you have whan you have two little balls in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.
Why is a man like a snowstorm?
Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll
get, or how long it'll stay.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What do you call an intelligent man in America?
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men like masturbation?
It's sex with someone they love.
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Two guys were strolling down the street when one guy exclaimed, "how
sad - a dead bird." Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom?
To keep the swelling down.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this (make gap with thumb and
forefinger) is nine inches.
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their
Guilt gifts are nicer.
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while
the other is giving birth.
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man
thinks often about dating them.
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger.
What do men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have any.
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.